Nick: I don't have a vagina.
Patient: You can take mine.
Jess: I heard that sister.
Patient: True that.
Winston: Give me the keys.
Schmidt: You shouldn't call them keys. It's a paperclip that you start the car with.
Sadie: Jess tackled a girl I was dating once.
Jess: Oh yeah, she was tried to steal my overalls.
Nick: I lost a stamp. It sounds worse than it is but it's a somewhat expensive stamp and I planned on looking for it.
Guest at Bar [pointing at Nick's pills]: I take those too. When I got a heavy flow.
Cece: Sorry, I heard.
Nick: Of course you do.
Cece: Can I get a vodka soda?
Nick: Thank you you're being nor-
Cece: Vodka soda.
Schmidt: I wish I could trade place with you because you know what, Nick, I'd do it in a second. I'm also glad that I can't.
Schmidt: I don't think this is the right time to bring this up, you guys, but... does anyone else think Nick could stand to lose 5 to 7 pounds?
Nick: Stop Fredo kissing me, Schmidt!