S1E14 'Bully' Quotes: Three-peat, Jerk-sica, Brown Lightning, We're Weirdos and More!

Schmidt: Schmidttle and the damage done. Neil Young, yo.

Jess: So, are you gonna three-peat this ho?

Jess: I delivered a lesson in the key of learning. ... Learning minor.

Middle School Winston: Brown Lightning! 

Middle School Jess: Jerk-sica? My last name rhymes with gay and the best thing you can think of is Jerk-sica? 

Jess: Hi. Who do I speak to re: getting something removed from the internet.

Jess: You're a plant killer. And I write songs. We're weirdos but that's who we are and that's fine.

S1E13 'Valentine's Day' Quotes: Twirly, Schwing!, Giant Meat Puppet & More

Jess: Ugh, couples. Boo Hiss!

Schmidt: Every time you have sex with the same person, Jess, you die just a little bit.

Jess: I'm feeling pretty twirly.
Schmidt: Twirly?
Jess: Twirly.
Schmidt: Is that like horny?
Jess: I got the dirty twirls, Schmidty. Watch out 'cuz you're about to get laid... world.

Nick: You and me are gonna do a real Valentine's Day date.
Julia: I know. God, what's the plan?
Nick: First of all you're gonna need a map of Arizona.
Julia: I can get that.
Nick: And a container that you're comfortable getting urine in.
Julia: Oh I have one in my purse.

Cece: What are you doing?
Jess: I'm packing an overnight bag in case I have one-night sex.

Cece: You could have an emotional connection with a shoe on the side of a road.
Jess: One shoe? Oh, I hate that!

Jess: [Sees hot guy] Schwing!

Oliver: You want another drink?
Jess: [Old timey newscaster voice]: If I didn't know ya better, I'd think you're trying to liquor me up.

Nick: There was a really weird week where I wore a long blonde wig and I made everbody call me Sandy Ferguson.

Jess: I can't do this. You're a really great guy, and, um... I mean I don't know that, um, but honestly, I was just gonna use you as a giant meat puppet.

Oliver: [Cries] I miss her so much!
Jess: She's just in the kitchen.