Schmidt: I've been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It's like a taffy pull on a hot summer's day.
Schmidt: I just don't do it for me anymore. I even bought myself a sexy pair of underpants to spice things up.
Jess: World's best wing woman reporting for duty.
Jess: I'm not your cooler!
Nick: It's not you. It's the way that you behave. And the things that you say. And the look on your face. And...It is you!
Jess [on the phone]: Sam! It's Jess. Please come get me. I'm probably fine but I also might be dead. Goodbye.
Jess: I think it might be gang related. I've always been worried about my blue curtains. Cribs.
Cece: She's pretty sure it's the Calabasas Scratcher. I mean is that a thing? I don't keep up with the local news.